I have read two books, watched seven movies, and walked countless blocks in the past two weeks, alone mind you, and now all I want is some company. I'm sick of this!
I realized last night that while independence is wonderful and quite necessary, it is much different than being lonely. Independence is within us, a trait if you will. Loneliness is a condition, usually temporary, and it is a burden on our esteem, mood, and being. Going out all day and knowing that the home I am about to return to is empty hits a very sad chord in my body. Perhaps if school had started already and I had company throughout the day, this wouldn't be so bad, but I really don't like it. It's heartwarming to be able to walk through the front door, anticipating a smiling face, having a intelligent conversation, sharing dinner with someone, and just enjoying someone else's company. Having another presence in the home is unbelievably comforting, something I would have never known had these past few weeks not occurred.
Perhaps this has been a learning experience for me, but I forevermore take back every conversation I had where I mentioned that I would love to live alone someday. I didn't know what I was talking about!
Love you and miss you all. Gimme a call if you read this.. I would love to talk :)
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Monday, June 22, 2009
"i couldn't help but wonder..."
As I sit here waiting for the bus to work, I feel like writing down some thoughts I've been having lately. (If this post turns out looking funny, visually, please pardon me.. I've never posted via Blackberry before!)
In the past week, since I've been back in Boston from my lovely visit home, I've gotten quite nervous about this whole New York thing. The only time I've moved anywhere was from Sonoma, I was young, adventurous, and curious. I wanted to get out, leave, and it didn't really matter where I went, just so long as I was no longer in the same place I had always known. These emotions that are drawing me to New York City are completely different; this time, I want to go, emphasis on "go." This decision, academically and professionally, is the most important of my life so far, and I know it's the right one. At first I was worried that I was leaving Boston too soon, that I was only leaving because other people wanted me to. But then it hit me: this time, it's not about leaving but going.
When this thought first occurred to me, I thought I was thinking myself in circles, but my dad gave me the exact advice that I had thought of. Earlier in the week, I had dinner with my Uncle Tod, and while talking with him about my apprehension, I mentioned the word "comfortable" in regards to my life in Boston. At this, he quickly interrupted me, baffled, saying, "Ash, you're twenty years old! You're too young to be comfortable! Wait fifteen years and THEN see if you're ready to say that." While constant moving and adventuring is somewhat terrifying, I really valued his advice. Who am I to settle down at the young age of twenty, when I have a whole world of opportunities, cities, and people waiting to be seen?
Boston has been incredible to me. This first leap, flight if you will, has taught me that I am capable of succeeding on my own, and that in itself is something I value more than anything. I've learned so much about myself, this city, the passion the people here have for everything in their lives, and I've met some incredible people (and some not so incredible people too..) but that's another story in itself. Too infuriating.
It is definitely bittersweet, but, like I wrote in the previous post, this is another chapter in my life. I'm meeting my dad at the airport on Wednesday morning, and then the two of us are off to New York for the week(end)! Its getting exciting.
P.s. Happy Father's Day, dad :) all of these opportunities I've been blessed with and all of my dreams have been made into realities because of your endless support. Thank you so much for never doubting me. You truly are the greatest dad, and I truly am the luckiest daughter. I love you very very much :)
In the past week, since I've been back in Boston from my lovely visit home, I've gotten quite nervous about this whole New York thing. The only time I've moved anywhere was from Sonoma, I was young, adventurous, and curious. I wanted to get out, leave, and it didn't really matter where I went, just so long as I was no longer in the same place I had always known. These emotions that are drawing me to New York City are completely different; this time, I want to go, emphasis on "go." This decision, academically and professionally, is the most important of my life so far, and I know it's the right one. At first I was worried that I was leaving Boston too soon, that I was only leaving because other people wanted me to. But then it hit me: this time, it's not about leaving but going.
When this thought first occurred to me, I thought I was thinking myself in circles, but my dad gave me the exact advice that I had thought of. Earlier in the week, I had dinner with my Uncle Tod, and while talking with him about my apprehension, I mentioned the word "comfortable" in regards to my life in Boston. At this, he quickly interrupted me, baffled, saying, "Ash, you're twenty years old! You're too young to be comfortable! Wait fifteen years and THEN see if you're ready to say that." While constant moving and adventuring is somewhat terrifying, I really valued his advice. Who am I to settle down at the young age of twenty, when I have a whole world of opportunities, cities, and people waiting to be seen?
Boston has been incredible to me. This first leap, flight if you will, has taught me that I am capable of succeeding on my own, and that in itself is something I value more than anything. I've learned so much about myself, this city, the passion the people here have for everything in their lives, and I've met some incredible people (and some not so incredible people too..) but that's another story in itself. Too infuriating.
It is definitely bittersweet, but, like I wrote in the previous post, this is another chapter in my life. I'm meeting my dad at the airport on Wednesday morning, and then the two of us are off to New York for the week(end)! Its getting exciting.
P.s. Happy Father's Day, dad :) all of these opportunities I've been blessed with and all of my dreams have been made into realities because of your endless support. Thank you so much for never doubting me. You truly are the greatest dad, and I truly am the luckiest daughter. I love you very very much :)
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
to old memories and new beginnings.
it's been so long since i last posted, it's unbelievable! holy. my sincerest apologies, really. at first, my lack of writing was due to a lack of events, but after i went home this week, there was simply too much to write about!
making tacos with the family.. the result of erika cutting the onions for pico de gallo:
claire's knee surgery!
the city with wiggy and my grandma :)
the initial reason i went home this past weekend was to be with claire just before and after her gnarly knee surgery. i honestly cannot even begin to tell you how nice it was to spend so much time with her. the poor thing is bed-ridden, for the most part, and when she's helpless like that, she can be very sweet. a couple of days before i flew out, we had a thirty minute conversation, speaking only with british accents; because of this, while i was home, we frequently resorted to speaking that same way, and i'm sure jennelle now thinks we are insane. we are seriously the weirdest family! so funny though. the bandages on claire's knee were enormous; there were ACE bandages, followed by a white cushion of sorts, followed by a royal blue pad that circulated ice water around her knee cap, topped off by a brace that went from her upper thigh down to her ankle. The blue ice pad had a tube connected to it that attached to a cooler placed on the floor, and we ended up referring to the shorter part of this tube as her penis.. High on percocet, speaking in a soprano-pitched british accent, asking me to "please plug in her penis" was probably the most entertaining, hilarious thing i have ever heard and seen. as far as sister bonding went, though, i most definitely miss her already.
my only cousin wigg was in town too, with his girlfriend miranda, and it's impossible for me to explain how nice it is to have him back in my life. he was always around, so it's not the physical presence that i've missed, but the emotional and personal. he seems so excited about life, learning, family, love, everything, and i love seeing him with so much passion and drive for his life. i've missed him a lot. when we were really young, he was like the older brother i'd always wished for, yet adolesence, dr. dre, emmett smith, and ICP took him away from us. but now he's returned! woohoo!
i mentioned earlier that jennelle came to california with me, and it was so nice for me to have her get to meet all of my family, more than just in passing. the ciulla's have been truly like my second family here, so hospitable, so caring, making me feel like a complete part of their family. (jennelle just called, actually, and i swear i'm not writing this because i know you're going to read it! haha...) in all honesty, i hope that we showed her as much kindness as her family has shown me the last two years. i know we are so weird - claire giving herself a penis, our british accents, my dad trying to coax the cat into purring with him, erika blow-drying wax onto a canvas, my mom's incredible cooking (maybe not so weird...), and my grandma's goofy nicknames - and, given it was a small family reunion, all of our reminiscent stories must have been so boring, but it was a fun peek into our small, crazy family. i found this quote the other day, and it reminded me of jennelle:
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones that you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." -Mark Twain
that said, seriously, DO IT! you know what i'm talking about. :)
next week, my dad's flying out here, and we're hopping on a bus straight from the airport to manhattan for orientation! i saw cat and brady while i was home, and my talk with them made me realize how quickly time can pass, and how quickly it can sneak up on you. we started the play four years ago. FOUR. what? and now, in one month, i will be relocating to new york, simultaneously turning my life upside down. what? i found out i was moving to boston in february 2007 and i moved that august, so i had six whole months to prepare myself. this time, however, i have one measly month to prepare to leave somewhere i am actually quite fond of. i realized today that the comfort i feel here is the number one thing that should convince me to get out. i'm twenty years old! i shouldn't be comfortable! i should be out adventuring my horizons, seeing new places, meeting new people, expanding my knowledge. i think that boston has done incredible things for me, and i am so thankful/grateful for my experiences here. everyone i've met will not be forgotten, especially the dirty dozen. what a phenomenal place to gain my independence, huh? i must have been feeling a similar sense of fear before i made the trek across the country, but it's been so long, i've forgotten what it feels like. i don't know if i'm ready for this adventure quite yet, but i'm doing it, and it will be incredible. here's to a new chapter!
making tacos with the family.. the result of erika cutting the onions for pico de gallo:
claire's knee surgery!
the city with wiggy and my grandma :)
the initial reason i went home this past weekend was to be with claire just before and after her gnarly knee surgery. i honestly cannot even begin to tell you how nice it was to spend so much time with her. the poor thing is bed-ridden, for the most part, and when she's helpless like that, she can be very sweet. a couple of days before i flew out, we had a thirty minute conversation, speaking only with british accents; because of this, while i was home, we frequently resorted to speaking that same way, and i'm sure jennelle now thinks we are insane. we are seriously the weirdest family! so funny though. the bandages on claire's knee were enormous; there were ACE bandages, followed by a white cushion of sorts, followed by a royal blue pad that circulated ice water around her knee cap, topped off by a brace that went from her upper thigh down to her ankle. The blue ice pad had a tube connected to it that attached to a cooler placed on the floor, and we ended up referring to the shorter part of this tube as her penis.. High on percocet, speaking in a soprano-pitched british accent, asking me to "please plug in her penis" was probably the most entertaining, hilarious thing i have ever heard and seen. as far as sister bonding went, though, i most definitely miss her already.
my only cousin wigg was in town too, with his girlfriend miranda, and it's impossible for me to explain how nice it is to have him back in my life. he was always around, so it's not the physical presence that i've missed, but the emotional and personal. he seems so excited about life, learning, family, love, everything, and i love seeing him with so much passion and drive for his life. i've missed him a lot. when we were really young, he was like the older brother i'd always wished for, yet adolesence, dr. dre, emmett smith, and ICP took him away from us. but now he's returned! woohoo!
i mentioned earlier that jennelle came to california with me, and it was so nice for me to have her get to meet all of my family, more than just in passing. the ciulla's have been truly like my second family here, so hospitable, so caring, making me feel like a complete part of their family. (jennelle just called, actually, and i swear i'm not writing this because i know you're going to read it! haha...) in all honesty, i hope that we showed her as much kindness as her family has shown me the last two years. i know we are so weird - claire giving herself a penis, our british accents, my dad trying to coax the cat into purring with him, erika blow-drying wax onto a canvas, my mom's incredible cooking (maybe not so weird...), and my grandma's goofy nicknames - and, given it was a small family reunion, all of our reminiscent stories must have been so boring, but it was a fun peek into our small, crazy family. i found this quote the other day, and it reminded me of jennelle:
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones that you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." -Mark Twain
that said, seriously, DO IT! you know what i'm talking about. :)
next week, my dad's flying out here, and we're hopping on a bus straight from the airport to manhattan for orientation! i saw cat and brady while i was home, and my talk with them made me realize how quickly time can pass, and how quickly it can sneak up on you. we started the play four years ago. FOUR. what? and now, in one month, i will be relocating to new york, simultaneously turning my life upside down. what? i found out i was moving to boston in february 2007 and i moved that august, so i had six whole months to prepare myself. this time, however, i have one measly month to prepare to leave somewhere i am actually quite fond of. i realized today that the comfort i feel here is the number one thing that should convince me to get out. i'm twenty years old! i shouldn't be comfortable! i should be out adventuring my horizons, seeing new places, meeting new people, expanding my knowledge. i think that boston has done incredible things for me, and i am so thankful/grateful for my experiences here. everyone i've met will not be forgotten, especially the dirty dozen. what a phenomenal place to gain my independence, huh? i must have been feeling a similar sense of fear before i made the trek across the country, but it's been so long, i've forgotten what it feels like. i don't know if i'm ready for this adventure quite yet, but i'm doing it, and it will be incredible. here's to a new chapter!
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
weird
for some reason, i LOVE this song. i really really like it.
tomorrow is my last final, and i'll officially be done with my second year of college! i'm working all weekend, and then next week i'm taking the bus to check out my potential new home. crazy, isn't it? i can't help but continually remind myself of how quickly life can change. one moment, i was shopping for a vacuum, and the next minute, i'm moving to new york city. i mean, what?! my entire life was turned upside down in a ten minute phone call. insanity, i tell you!
tomorrow is my last final, and i'll officially be done with my second year of college! i'm working all weekend, and then next week i'm taking the bus to check out my potential new home. crazy, isn't it? i can't help but continually remind myself of how quickly life can change. one moment, i was shopping for a vacuum, and the next minute, i'm moving to new york city. i mean, what?! my entire life was turned upside down in a ten minute phone call. insanity, i tell you!
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
it's been a long, long time coming...
while sitting in my biological anthropology class this afternoon, i received the most straightforward yet somewhat hilarious of text messages:
"Forward this message to your sister ... post something on your blog ... the same goes for you"
and so, for you AJ, and all of you other anonymous readers, here is an update! i am so so sorry for the prolonged lack of entries. i recently purchased a blackberry and created a twitter account (separate events), and trying to keep up with at least five modes of communication is quite difficult to do!
so much has happened since the last time i posted, that i don't even know where to begin. i've been running as much as i can, which i must admit hasn't been much this week. dammit. i've been feeling really good though! last thursday was our friend dan's 20th birthday party, and it was such a fun party. around this time last year, we all had a group of friends who we nicknamed "the dirty dozen," and due to unexplainable, natural causes, this group of friends isn't as close as it used to be; HOWEVER, thursday was a reunion, and it was phenomenal. earlier in the week was nayana's 21st birthday, which was a blast too, so i guess that explains where i've been. there's a saying that goes: "school, job, friends. pick two. welcome to college." in the recent weeks, i've been trying to juggle all three, and it's been exhausting but extremely fun.
we have exactly one week of classes left, finals the week after, and then i'm officially halfway through with college! how exciting is that? i've been researching study abroad programs lately, as well as the peace corps. today, we saw a group of irish boys at the grocery store, and now i am set on going to ireland. i mean, i work at a pub now, so aren't i about halfway there? eee!
my precious baby sister busted her knee the other weekend at a volleyball tournament and most likely needs surgery, so i think i'm going to go home for a week or so in june to hang out with her. what a way to start the summer, huh? great for me, but horrible for her.. poor girl :( hopefully jennelle will be coming with me too!
RIP Mr. Moe :(
"Forward this message to your sister ... post something on your blog ... the same goes for you"
and so, for you AJ, and all of you other anonymous readers, here is an update! i am so so sorry for the prolonged lack of entries. i recently purchased a blackberry and created a twitter account (separate events), and trying to keep up with at least five modes of communication is quite difficult to do!
so much has happened since the last time i posted, that i don't even know where to begin. i've been running as much as i can, which i must admit hasn't been much this week. dammit. i've been feeling really good though! last thursday was our friend dan's 20th birthday party, and it was such a fun party. around this time last year, we all had a group of friends who we nicknamed "the dirty dozen," and due to unexplainable, natural causes, this group of friends isn't as close as it used to be; HOWEVER, thursday was a reunion, and it was phenomenal. earlier in the week was nayana's 21st birthday, which was a blast too, so i guess that explains where i've been. there's a saying that goes: "school, job, friends. pick two. welcome to college." in the recent weeks, i've been trying to juggle all three, and it's been exhausting but extremely fun.
we have exactly one week of classes left, finals the week after, and then i'm officially halfway through with college! how exciting is that? i've been researching study abroad programs lately, as well as the peace corps. today, we saw a group of irish boys at the grocery store, and now i am set on going to ireland. i mean, i work at a pub now, so aren't i about halfway there? eee!
my precious baby sister busted her knee the other weekend at a volleyball tournament and most likely needs surgery, so i think i'm going to go home for a week or so in june to hang out with her. what a way to start the summer, huh? great for me, but horrible for her.. poor girl :( hopefully jennelle will be coming with me too!
RIP Mr. Moe :(
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
last one.
tomorrow will officially end my seven year stint as a teenager. i've been wanting to be in my twenties since i was about sixteen, but now that it's here, i must say i'm a bit freaked out. what really got me was when i read the birthday card from my grandma, which said, "happy twentieth birthday, ashley!" and seeing twentieth written out in all of its glory was the final realization. it really freaks me out. on the other hand, i am sick of saying "oh, no, i'm only ____-teen" when someone asks me hold old i am, since my personality doesn't at all reflect my young age.
it's funny, though... on my walk to school this morning, i found a twenty dollar bill sitting ever so perfectly underneath a tree. coincidence? birthday present from mother nature? luck? you decide :)
i'm not going to promise you that this new decade of my life will bring more intellectual, intelligent, exciting, entertaining posts, but i really truly hope it does. to a new year, a new period of my life! i'm pumped.
Monday, March 2, 2009
a couple of things.
firstly, i would like to apologize for my lack of writing. life gets busy! but, considering it's 2:30 AM, allow me to keep this short.
1. currently, it is snowing sideways, and because of this, all classes are canceled for tomorrow. yippee!
2. in exactly two weeks from this exact minute, i will be landing at the oakland airport. since my whole family will be in town, i'm hoping i'll have an entourage waiting for me at the gate this time! (hint hint) all of my trips home have either been secret or during rush hour, so my arrivals have never been celebrations (EXCEPT last christmas when erika, sierra, and max picked me up! that was lovely :D angelica bung?) i understand that 1130 PM on a sunday is a lot to ask, but it would be nice. i'm just sayin'..
3. i'm becoming more and more anxious for the chance to revamp things out here. it's pretty exciting.
4. you know how the eharmony commercials say you can view your matches for free? i decided to try it, just to see what kind of men i would be matched with. dream guys are out there! such a funny idea, that eharmony.com.
i have a bunch of school work to catch up on and finish tomorrow, so i'm extremely thankful for this lovely coating of wintry bliss. in the meantime, enjoy this :)
xoxo
1. currently, it is snowing sideways, and because of this, all classes are canceled for tomorrow. yippee!
2. in exactly two weeks from this exact minute, i will be landing at the oakland airport. since my whole family will be in town, i'm hoping i'll have an entourage waiting for me at the gate this time! (hint hint) all of my trips home have either been secret or during rush hour, so my arrivals have never been celebrations (EXCEPT last christmas when erika, sierra, and max picked me up! that was lovely :D angelica bung?) i understand that 1130 PM on a sunday is a lot to ask, but it would be nice. i'm just sayin'..
3. i'm becoming more and more anxious for the chance to revamp things out here. it's pretty exciting.
4. you know how the eharmony commercials say you can view your matches for free? i decided to try it, just to see what kind of men i would be matched with. dream guys are out there! such a funny idea, that eharmony.com.
i have a bunch of school work to catch up on and finish tomorrow, so i'm extremely thankful for this lovely coating of wintry bliss. in the meantime, enjoy this :)
xoxo
Saturday, November 8, 2008
el primero.
i'm not sure what provoked me to start a blog. i miss having the chance to express my thoughts, concerns, frustrations, excitements, adventures. this has been quite a crazy couple of years, and i'm disappointed in myself for not documenting it properly. anne gave us journals as graduation presents, ensuring us that they would be incredible time capsules to look back on and relive our insane adventures. i actually kept up with it for the first few months, but after a while... i don't know, i guess i just got sick of it. it became a "today this happened, and then that happened, and i met these people, and it was great!" and it became too monotonous to maintain.
the inertia that my life had a few months, even weeks, ago feels like it has slowed down to a painful crawl. i'm broke. i have no love interest (thus making me feel incredibly lonely). the biggest disappointment for me is that my classes are not in the least bit interesting, which ruins the entire path i had set for myself. deep down, i know where i want to go with my life, but realistically speaking, i don't think i have the ambition to get there. i'm feeling this sense of vulnerable suspension, and i hate it. i hate not having a goal or a direction to work towards.
welcome to my life :)
love,
ashley.
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